2009..

so every year..i say how i have these new plans and resolutions..yadi yada..but never seem to stick to it because they just dont work out..this year im actually going to try..good plan..
so here are a few of the resolutions..
1)save money! half my pay check in my savings, and the other half the bills i have(some spending obviously)
2)care more about school. try to succeed.
3)make better choices..some of you know what i mean!
4)work on some friendships that need help..
5)try to get along with my family.
6) find out what i want to do with my life!
7) be more optimistic.

here i come '09

its been a while..

i dont know what exactly inspired me to write a blog..i just felt the need to for some odd reason..work had been pretty busy lately..but im glad i got the past three days off! it was good to just chill..i have this feeling right now that i need to try to over achieve everything at school which wont happen..i dont know why i feel that way..i do though..i have work in less than 30 minutes..i dont want to go..but i have to..its kind of my job..im still tired even tho i am always sleeping in! lately i have been laying in bed at night til way late not being able to go to sleep..and sleeping in til 12..its not healthy but i cant really do anything else..i had to wake up early because of work which i honestly thought i would over sleep. but i woke up surprisingly..gah my car is in the shop so i have to use my parents..i have to go the speedlimit! not just because its my parents car but because of tickets..i dont want one..another one...haha. i think im going to santa cruz today? idk. depends if i feel up to it..we'll see how i feel after work.

highlight

of my day..was soccer..while playing that leapfrog game..haha, alexis, falling on top of people as she was going over everyone..i didnt think she was actually going to fall. but she did. it made me happy..haha. and then i liked one of my corner kicks alot..it was perfect..i think my coach was surprised..her voice when saying it was good, kinda was a surprised tone..

anyways..today was good..i read more of twilight. but my ipod died by third period =[ i forgot to charge it..aye aye aye..i have to get 3 page long journals done and an essay for the same class done by tomorrow..except im working on a project thats not due til friday or monday..im pretty stupid..i know.

tthingssss

so i guess things can turn around. everything has been looking up lately...i hope it stays like this!
im so happy our group got a 103% on the test! i thought we bombed it..but teh worst grade was like a B+...but still getting one of the highest scores..well the highest...that was surprising. =]
soccer was really goood today! i liked playing link ups there..that was funny.."your cheating!!!!" she cracks me up..haha. then we played the head chest thigh catch game..tied with katee..i think she shouldve won the last part..but i cheated..i think..haha..i shouldnt have pushed her haha. its okay..we both get a present tomorrow. haha. im excited..kinda..then chrysta was all, "what if its a nobhill giftcard" and i was like, then id cry..id walk in there saying, my coach gave me a giftcard to my own work..awesome, right?!? it was funny..
and work wasnt bad at all! it was sooo chill.! i like my talks with betsy! she always makes work worth going to..haha..i apologize over nothing and its hilarious. my manger made me hot chocolate and gave me a jacket =]]
i need to write my journals..which im getting done..kinda..not really..i need to tho! thats why im waking up soooo early..
tomorrow is going to go well...i can tell!

when..

when someone asks, "if someone you cared about walked out of your life, would you let them go? or chase after them?" it gives me a sick feeling. its like..what if i do chase after that person, but they keep running away..do you keep chasing, or just give up?
i just want to give up sometimes..it gets tiring after a week or two..i felt like the bad person at first, but now, im feeling like someone who is stupid because i am still chasing after someone i wont ever be the same with..idk..it seems silly...it is..im trying not to let this bother me..its hard..someone i was once honest with about every little thing, has now become one of the people i talk to the least..idk what to do..to let them go or have hope?

anyways..school tomorrow...gnite

soccer. bloody noses. fights. yellowcards.

its soccer.
at our game yesterday..it was going alright until then kneed me and followed through with their foot..way to give a bloody nose..ive had an on going headache and a bruise is appearing. ha, im glad that i was too stressed about my nose bleeding so that way i didnt have to think about the girl i wanted to punch. hahaha. and i dont understand why people ask, "are you okay?" when your hurt, cuz if you weren't hurt..there wouldnt be that question...haha. but the little girl, who was for the other team, was really cute. "are you okay? can i help? ill get you water!" she was sooo niiiiice. haha. oh man. but then felicia is amazing for starting a fight..haa. and we jsut got told today that we have a game tuesday...three games next week..sweet!

and work..oh gosh..these twins came in..maybe 8 years old..and one was checking the stuff, and the other one was bagging..me and betsy thought it was SO cute. they wanted to do everything. and then when i said bye to them, they were all, "wait..whats your name? can we be friends?" i said sure..but i never got their name haha. im a bad person! jk.

alrighty...i have work 3-11 tomorrow..so i need sleep! gnite!

man oh man

i love alot of taylor swifts new songs!
i cant get over this. =]

the song, forever and always, makes me happy.

Anyways..
maybe im doing too much lately..5 days of work, and 3 games..pretty crazy if you ask me..I need to sleep more..i have trouble waking up..i feel like its the end of the world if i wake up. haha. gah. that was a stupid arguement..
but work was funny..
nancy-"yeah my sister is making posuli"
me-"thats soo good!"
nancy-"yeah..hmm..you work tomorrow? im bringing you some."
me-"oh thanks nancy!"
nancy-"yeah. bye caberona!"
me-"come on, lets just be friends"


that was funny. i cant believe she was making fun of me in spanish though..ha.

alrighty. goodnight.

just a sense.

i feel so overwhelmed lately with all these feelings!
today was great. hung out with mikayla. and we went to camp for a bit and hung out with some people up there. i saw rachel finally.stole her christmas tree. saw a bunch of ladybugs! did you know that ladybugs carry other ladybugs on them? i didnt til i saw it!
Im so tired though from everything lately! I just want to sleep. Which i will soon. I have homework to do though tomorrow after work. Not too fun but oh well. My week is pretty much, school, soccer, and work, everyday. except two days i dont have work. Haha what a joy. =]
its nice being busy though. I just need to stay caught up.
Im in love with taylro swift songs. i cant lie.

what a dream world

"Don't go, don't go telling me you're alright
There's no room for getting uptight
Don't go saying that you're OK
When you're lonely"

hanson is stuck in my head..

I think prop 8 was the only thing I really was serious about for this election. It hit me today that it was passed..it hit me today that our country is CHANGING. I think its good. great. But prop 8 being passed was a huge mistake. I think its unconstitutional and come on now, even caesar in the roman days had a gay lover. Why cant we now? HIstory will repeat its self until we can all come to eaquality. Yesterday talking to some people who were pretty upset about it being passed was depressed. What do you say to that? How can american citizens take away their rights? its just leading back to rebellious people. Its like saying white and black are going to seperate again. We don't want that. But then again, im "just a kid" and my opinion doesnt matter to people. i think our country is not living up to its constitution. Why do we work hard for equlity for other countries yet we can lose our own dignity and put eachother down.

sorry im done on that..just having friends who are gay, it still affects me because they are too good of friends who are upset and hurt. but im done with it now.

I didnt come to class til halfway through..i was talking with lauren about my feelings haha. I was just upset i guess.

honestly

im sick of all this politics crap. we are never ever going to be happy with a decision. I realized i dont care as much as i did. everyone has their own opinion. Why care though? If you dont want anyone to get pissed at you, dont speak your mind. only speak it IF you can handle the feedback i guess. Idk. I think that this election is getting our generation pumped up because it will be affecting us soon. As for all that prop 8 crap, we all have our own opinions. I figured out stating my own opinion only pisses people off since they dont agree or consider me, "a bad christian" or something like that. fuck it dude, if they dont like my opinion, then they obviously dont matter. I think prop 8 should somehow let our generation vote because if we were allowed to, it wouldn't be passed. it effects OUR generation not our parents..so why let them decide our futures? Parents dont realize this though. I dont wanna argue with my parents on this because they will bring in how bad of a person i am for thinking of equality. yeah, not going that way!

SCREW POLITICS.

anyways..
Sf...it was actually fun. except the bird poop! then came back and went to soccer practice. i practiced with varsity, not jv. Then picked up galen. dropped him off..then picked my dad up..went home..and then i went over to a friends house to drop some stuff off. I dont understand how i always get in a fight with them..we just argue to make a point that is never made? I have seen the word, hypocrit, used a lot lately..maybe this WHOLE world are hypocrits..oh wellllllll. my leg is all bloody, well was...just all scratched up now..but Dee gave me some medicine stuff...stung like hell! She warned me but i didnt believe her. smart me..alright peace out..time to go shower

old school

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BplyI_0hhn0

damn old school music right there. haha. i cant believe im listening to it.

more of today.

its just hard to take on what others are giving me and telling me when i have my own stuff going on..its hard. i never know what to say. i feel bad..but theres not much i can do..i need to start doing things for myself..not others.i gotta realize whats important in life, and what isnt. I am always living on the safe side, which isnt bad, but i need to start taking risks. its pretty tough though..idk..im tired of the same day to day routine..i want something different. more action in my life or something. i want new things to happen. experience new things. its getting boring..

never have i

been so upset with an adult figure.
they way he shot me down today..it just hurt. especially in front of people. Then sending me lower only to have me "babysit" them. thats not a try out. Thats a babysit and be bored type of day. I give my all at soccer, or pretty much anything I do..but he just doesn't care and thinks i belong somewhere else. what happened to, 5 days of try outs? I am about to just say fuck soccer and get a move on with my life. If he is going to be rude to me, i cant handle it. Having me feel like I need practice is one thing, but to make me feel like im worthless, not working. Im getting upset everytime. its hard. i just want to break down everytime. It sucks. I dont like crying in front of others..but today i did. it hurts. gah.

favorite

i think my new favorite movie for the time being is scary movie. the original first one.
"what are you wating for? what are you waiting for? what are you waiting for?"
*guy jumps of building*
"oops...haha"

dude this movie is hilarious.
anyways..
9-6 shift today..glad its over. got pizza for family, and now we are going to go tothe winchester mystery house as family bonding time..this will be interesting..im kinda tired but oh well.

touch..

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something. "

Sometimes..i wonder in my own life if I just like to "Crash" so i can feel something. Feel something other than the daily life routines. That quote was stuck in my head the whole time at work. Especially the part, "i think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into eachother, just so we can feel something." It just sticks..idk...sometimes i long for that feeling of someone that i am hurtful with my words..idk..it sounds pretty weak but oh well.

today...was..

interesting.
that debate was alright..it went good for our side. but most people werent listening 5th..and 6th..they were into it.
anyways..so afterschool, coach made me upset. im over that though.Tonight I went running with a friend. that was good. we can keep the same pace until the end. she goes fast at the end. but idk. i need to push myself more. i know i can do more, that my body can take on more, but i dont allow myself to. I just look at what I will be running, and move it to a pace that I can go to keep running the whole time.i love the feeling i get after running. i feel accomplished. thats why i do it. im really scared about soccer though. I cant make all the requirements..but we will see what happens..=/

im dead tired from running pretty much 4 miles total today..so its time to get into bed!
[i like how i say im going to bed every blog post.]

realizations

Ive come to many realizations..first one, i dont ever have time to blog! ha.
2nd..i am pretty emotional at times and that explains a lot.
today..i dont even know..i just blew up at everyone who crossed my path, which i apologize about. Only one person really understood me and why I did. I just get screwed over lately at work, and I finally stood up to everyone who did. I feel bad about taking it out on some people but I mean..i was upset. It was rude but deserved. Idk.
I realized that I really admire the way they gave me a chance. Didn't blow me off and say, "oh your just a kid". Most people do now. I look up to them because of that. because they try to understand me. They don't use me for anything, and I dont use them at all. We share things equally. I was wondering if I should be communicating still with them, despite others, but its worth it. We get along no matter what. If im wrong, they point it out nicely, if im right, they apologize.
Anyways..those are currently the two thoughts in my head. goodnight.

why?

Why when you have the chance to do something, you don't always take it?
I contemplated on this question for the past week. Again, last night, I had that stupid chance to make it better, but I hesitated and then it was too late.
Peace.

once more

It is sixth period. Yes, blogging during class! Amazing, right?
So I woke up at 7, called a friend to go running but she didn't pick up. So I went back to bed. She called me at 8:30 apologizing. But it was too late to run since I had to go to the doctors. I had to get a physical and a surprise shot. Not fun. but it happens. Galen drove us. Scary! My doctor is so friendly to our family. Its nice. He is really funny also. He made fun of my work and people there since he shops there! Then I went home and got my math book and some other stuff and went to school. Leah for some reason was in the office so I waited with her. My dad only excused me from school and not my brother, so he got cuts. I was laughing at him. Anyways...fifth period came and that was long. Now its sixth period. A song with piano playing came on, so me and lizzy were acting like we played piano. Immature-not. haha. I love sixth period. Its like a free period. Anyways, so im pretty sore from last night running. My dog got me to sprint. Exhausting. Then galen was along side me on a scooter. He was enjoying it while I was dying. But after it, I felt soo good. Except the fact they had pizza at my house when we returned. So I had two slices and water. I feel like a fatty sometimes. I can feel it in my legs when I walk, it hurts a little. I have work tonight. I don't want to because of the football game, meaning they will attack the store afterwards and before hand. Then I have to wake up at 7:30 to be somewhere by 8:15..babysit until 1:45 and then rush to work..Not fun. But you do what you have to do. I work 2-11 tomorrow =[

No timeee

So..im pretty much bad at updating this thing. i have NO time. Im in sixth period..and the teacher just gave a 30 minute lecture..i am not sure why..I pretty much was half asleep because i have no sleep. I went to bed around 2ish and then woke up at 6ish. No bueno. Its easy to get up, but by the end of the day i am dead..except for, i have soccer right after school. Who wants to sprint 2 miles when dead? Not me. I hate these requirements but you have to do what you have to do to succeed, right? So me and leah switched phones for a bit today..that was enjoyable. Especially since not many people knew..I confused this guy tho. haha. Its been over all a good day so far..I am tired but what can i do? I dont have work tonight which is good. I had a conversation with a real good friend, and she told me that she has noticed me changing, and its a good change? I dont feel its a good change, but she thinks it is..anyways...i feel like i havent been here for people that are my priorities..i need to. I miss them. I miss everything. How i used to be, how i could talk to them when something came up, and especially how much we talked. Things will work out, hopefully. Anyways, im falling asleep right now, me and lizzy are listening to my ipod..we like listening to hanson. =] if i had a bed right now, id be asleep..but i cant sleep til way later tonight..like after i get everything done. I have to do alllll my homework thats due tomorrow..4 math pages, chem, and alot more im too lazy to name. like history. Alright well the bell is about to ring. like 6 minutes..So i need to get off and get my stuff together. =] ill write more after conditioning. HELLO 2 MILES.

carolina.

good song.

anyways..there is so much going on in my life right now that i dont know if i could possibly attain it all. I can..but can my heart?
every time i see her walk into my work..i wanna say something..but i cant. i hold back. ill never have that person back in my life..seeing her apply was hardest i think..knowing if she gets the job..what i will have to deal with. pretty tough..maybe it is a sign to be strong.on other news, im having a tough time with friendships..i am not sure how to keep some..im not sure how to communicate in some..im not sure how to grow in some..i feel like im spinning in circles in some friendships..some friendships i really need to have...but i just cant keep it up..some i want to give up and say screw it..i really wish that i could somehow attain it but i cant. work has me exhausted..and so does school..i have to go running at 5:30 in the mornings now so that i can get in better shape for soccer..i feel really upset lately..and im not sure why..maybe im just trying too hard..idk..i feel like i take some things too seriously that i shouldnt..im learning to be stronger..im learning not to back down..so im just gooing to keep doing what i have been..i liked mine and brittanys conversation today.."how cool would it be to be in a fight and just lasting it out?" oh man..i love hanging out with her.tonight was pretty hard tho.just realizing where i am in life..i dont like it..but we all go through this. thats enough for a night. good night.

where does the good go?

its so weird..hearing about a suicidle death..especially when it could be one of your classmates. we dont expect it..just how people were reacting today..it took me by surprise..why did the school offer these special counselors right away for this guy..but when it came to denise..they didnt offer it til a couple days after it went out around school.that just got to me today..i didnt understand..it sucks what happens..but really..where does the good go in all of this?
anyways..i really feel like some friendships are deteriating..is that how you spell it? idk..but..i need these friendships..not want, but need. i miss people.i miss having one on ones..i really enjoy the times i do get with them..things i do for them arent because i HAVE to but because I WANT to.i really miss people..far ppl..people who i dont see daily..so i have no idea whats going on..
one song has been stuck in my head all day..its 'hold on.'
here are some lyrics:

This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
You're mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to no more




that song gets to me..i remember the first time i heard it, the person told me, "this is not a funny song. listen to it." and that really opened my eyes.
i think explaining what twloha to brittany last night was really cool. she didnt seem too interested, but it was a chance to spread it. thats it for tonight. i have to go to bed..im waking up at like 5 tomorrow..ill post more probably this weekend..i just dont have time..

aloevera.

Its amazing to have when being sunburned! suntan lotion. wear it!
so that was not the point of this blog! the point was to say what was on my mind.
I am enjoying getting to know more people that are opening up to me.i feel im afraid to open up to some people though, since i can't give what i feel i should to the friendship. i remember last summer..i had a hard time opening up..i didnt want to. i was closed off.i felt like the closest people had betrayed me. it sucked. i remember coming home from camp last summer..and i had opened up so much there..and how it helped me to open up to others around me..but i remember the start of this summer..i was so closed off again..not wanting to open up..i felt betrayed once more..i felt like i lost all my friends..and i made fake friends..but going to camp this summer helped me to open up! i really learned to trust not only me or others, but god. i feel like i really tried trusting people this summer..some of who i had just met. im really glad i can open up now!

i really feel like i've been such a bad friend to some people..people who i dont talk to daily to make sure they are alright..i feel like i suck at friendships..and there is one friendship that comes to mind that i know i havent been such a great friend in..and i wish i could just show them that i love them to death..but its hard when they dont help out by putting forth also..its just life. =]
well im out. goodnight!

fresh air.

fresh air is all i had the past week! tahoe. its a beautiful place. especially that 6-7 hour hike was great..even though me and my sister were both sick! one thing that happened one of the past nights in tahoe was me and my sister having a serious conversation..not about politics or the weather..no..about god..it really surprised me we got onto that topic! asking me why i believed and me being sure of my answer made me so happy. i wasn't sure why she kept asking me that..maybe ill never know..but i do know that having discussions about god made me stronger..talking about why we twist what the bible says..that made me read my bible more..i really enjoy having my own god time during the time. it makes me stronger! looking up at the stars one night, there were maybe two in sight..i prayed to god, to just show me a glimpse of his love by filling the sky that night for even one minute with stars..after a half hour i head to the bathroom..when i came back to my tent, i looked up one last time, and there was a full sky of stars...so i go in the tent and get changed..when i went back out..the stars were gone..i really felt like god wanted to show me his presence that night..i felt god so much this past week..my bible was always in my backpack ready to read when i felt i needed reasurrance..it came in handy a lot.i brought it out one night with my sister..she asked me why i had it..i said to share a passage with her..i shared a verse that meant alot to me..then she told me her favorite verse was the one about love is patient love is kind..the night went on with conversations about camp..and how great it is that i still go. she told me to open up to others and not be afraid to..def hard! i really am glad god is bringing me through all this..
going into school, i am scared/excited/happy/angry/lost. i know that my emotions will keep changing..im ready to take this year on even though i will face many struggles..

school registration

I woke up at 8:30, but that was the time I was supposed to show up at school. So I got to registration late..One thing hit me though..all the people i was surrounded by. My normal group of friends, we all came back from doing different things...As we go around telling different stories making us laugh, I am realizing I don't know them anymore. I've really seperated myself, not necessarily good, more bad. I don't know why I'm soo seperate now. I feel like everyone is so fake, and not real. I don't know anyone since I was gone the whole summer.My school picture, its such a fake smile. I was in a bad mood this morning, that when it was time for the picture, I wanted to leave.
Now that im back home, I feel much stronger. I feel like going through the day is easier now, but lonely. I want to be surrounded by what I was for the past two weeks. Its a struggle im facing. I miss everybody i met. I miss having someone to talk to. I know I need to stop relying on humans as much. I am excited for the school year to begin because it shows me how strong I can be and am. There is not much left to say..I am leaving for Tahoe tomorrow morning, so I need to pack everything in my car..Its hard since i worked a full day shift yesterday, and I have another one coming 3:00. I am SO tired and i haven't much sleep. I feel like i just ramble in blogs.

wow.

so..i deleted the silly blogs that were here..i wanted to start fresh..i just came back from camp. it felt..so..surreal.ive learned alot from these past two weeks. I felt like I went to camp with alot on my plate, but came back restored. Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." It seems like such an easy verse to comprehend. I took it as an easy verse my whole life until these past two weeks. I took it to heart and prayed that as a prayer just about everyday. Having alone time helped me so much to realize where I've been and where I want to be. If i could fit the last two weeks into one word, it'd be, struggling. I know most people would say changing or something happy and cheery. I feel in my heart though, that the last two weeks was a struggle. Finding out about myself, about others, about God. It def. changed me though. I didn't think coming to camp was the right thing at first, I tried talking myself out of it. However, God had a purpose for me going. I think the purpose of that was to show me hope. Camp is sooo hard to express in words. It changed me. I know that facing these things was the best choice of my whole summer. I feel like God really wanted me to open up which was not something I totally felt comfortable with. It was hard. Trusting..what a comcept to learn. Something I have also learned is, I love myself. I put myself down alot which makes me negative. I was happy that Indigo pointed out how I say negative things, because she helped me to say I love myself. I will have more to say as time progresses, but I am just glad I am on the right path.